Light of Destiny Coaching & Yoga Blog

After getting the news yesterday that today was my last chemotherapy, and after completing that chemotherapy, I have a feeling of freedom. There is a feeling of relief for both myself and my husband.

Some things still need to be done to complete everything, such as getting my shot tomorrow to stimulate neutrophils to be produced, an end of treatment CT scan a week before I see my doctor in a month, and then my visit with my doctor in a month for official discharge. This to me feels like formality, which is how I’m viewing it.

Now on to recovery from this Journey.

This video sums up how my husband and I feel at the end of chemotherapy:

I feel, more and more lately, that I am approaching the metaphorical Summit on my metaphorical Appalachian Trail (AT) hike #2.  Back to back hikes, with no rest in between, the foot surgery being the first metaphorical AT hike, and the journey through cancer being the second metaphorical AT hike. I feel that soon, very soon, I will be able to rest from these back to back hikes.  That soon, very soon, I will have a completely new life.  I feel this very deeply, in my soul, in my bones, that I will be rejoicing at the Summit, that I will be dancing in a tutu and running like Phoebe. The following video says it all:  

I love metaphor.   I have found them very helpful in conceptualizing situations, even difficult ones like a Journey through Cancer.

I am thinking about this experience as a “parenthesis”.  When a writer is writing, they are going along smoothly, and then something needs to be inserted, hence they insert a parenthesis.  It starts with an opening parenthesis – ( and ends with a closing parenthesis – ).

This experience was a complete interruption of my life starting with the first symptom ( – open parenthesis.  Then it went along, and at some point there will be a ) – close parenthesis.

I get the strangest feeling, since I went to the foot surgeon and resumed where I left off before the parenthesis interrupted the finishing of my foot surgery rehab (that’s another story), and now that I have resumed the finishing of my foot rehab in earnest, picking up where I left off, that I am nearing the close parenthesis.  That I will soon be able to put this experience behind me.

I have been finding hair around the house, even a really really long one from when my hair was at least a foot long (it was even longer than that, down to my waist).  I found a hair in a drawer too.   Seems strange at this point that I’d be finding my hair, given all the vacuuming that’s been done over the weeks, and the thought that went through my mind was of my hair growing back soon.

Today I found a teacup with a lid, in the back of a cabinet, that I had forgotten about.  It says “Create a life you love, Love the life you live”.

Create a life you love

Love the life you live

This just really seemed to speak to me today.

I thought to myself, when this parenthesis is over, I am going to dance in a tutu.  It seems that gowns that are like tutus are in style right now, and I plan on shopping for one, and dancing in it, when chemotherapy is over.  Either a tutu – like dress, or just a beautiful gown.

A friend of mine, Life Coach Linda Armstrong, wrote on her blog about Phoebe from Friends running, and here’s the link: http://www.livelawofattraction.com/myjourney/when-you-need-a-vibration-lift-run-like-pheobe

This gave me the idea, when I’m done with this parenthesis, to run like Phoebe on friends, rejoicing, not caring what anyone thinks.  Watch this video of Phoebe running:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_0Ta_DIWuU

And keep out of the way when I come barreling down the street running like Phoebe!  LOL!

I’ve been thinking about hair lately.  I asked a friend of mine how her hair came out during chemotherapy.  I prefaced it, of course, with if she was willing to share the story.  It can be a sensitive subject.   She didn’t mind.    It’s not like I’m being “nosy”, I’m going to go through it.

She said she was in the shower one day, washing her hair as usual, when clumps started coming out.  By the time she was done, her whole head of hair was in her hands.  Then she finished it off with the clippers.  Today, she has a beautiful head of hair.

My whole life, I have had a very thick head of hair.  For many years, it was down to my waist.  And, ironically, I decided to grow it back down to my waist once again in the past couple years.  I recently got it cut in a bob though.    It will be strange, to say the least, to not have it.

So every time I get in the shower, I’m wondering if that is going to happen.  Right now, there is just a gentle snowfall.  That doesn’t stop me from washing my hair as usual.  And wondering.  And writing poems.  They predicted that my hair would fall out by my next treatment.

Today, my hair hurts.  This is supposed to be “the sign” that it’s imminent.

Well, I’m prepared.  With hats, scarves, and a wig.

The Loss 

Hair falling

Like the beginning of a new snow

or the gently falling leaves of autumn

Becoming heavier with time

Eventually covering the ground

Only to be shoveled or blown away

Without much fanfare

Do people mourn the loss? I shall miss it.

But it will return again, budding anew, one day.

One day, unexpectedly.

Returning, just like it left.

I found a video on youtube of a young woman with a really great attitude, demonstrating how to tie head scarves.  I’m sharing it here.

Well, for some reason the embedded video seems to have disappeared, so here is the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kCHVW-PuXDQ

Here’s an open letter to caregivers of those who have cancer:

Wow.  It must be really hard to have to shoulder the responsibility you do, while at the same time caring so deeply for the one you are helping.  I’m sure it’s a helpless feeling.  Maybe even some anger at the cancer thrown in there, for the seeming unfairness of it all.

We appreciate it, even if we don’t (or can’t) show it.  It’s hard dealing with this illness, and sometimes we are just in the middle of a crying jag or feeling so sick cracking a smile would hurt.  Thanks for being there, through all that.

We want and need for you to take great care of yourself.  Talk to other people.  If you need to really vent and are afraid to “dump” on a friend, counselors are great non-judgmental listeners.  Keep in contact with your friends.  Do some fun stuff for yourself.

One thing we might not say, but is the main point of this open letter, is we need for you to remain whole.  Don’t take stupid and unnecessary risks at this time.  You being injured on top of all of this going on is just not good.  Those of us with cancer can’t take care of you; you need to take care of us.  So, yeah, it might seem unfair to give up a rough sport or an innocuous activity that could result in injury to keep yourself whole and safe.  But who said cancer is fair?  When you have to give up some fun activity, think of your loved one, who not only has to give up many fun activities either because of lack of energy, not feeling well, or doctor’s orders, but has to do many very un-fun things too.

All we are asking is you think twice.  Because we are depending on you.

LOVE.

I had a blast today and I highly recommend it.  I got the idea from an article on the internet about doing something with your hair that you wouldn’t normally do, before it falls out.  Why not?

Well, I got purple and teal highlights today!  I felt so free, so on top of the world, to be doing something a woman of my age would not “normally” do.  This may change my perspective forever.  After all, we are given one life.

I used to see the young women with their vibrant hair colors and wish I could do that too.  This was an “excuse” to go ahead and do it.  But I realized, in a moment of absolute clarity, I don’t need an excuse and I don’t need anyone’s permission either to do something harmless like this that I want to do.

Did it take the 2×4 of cancer to wake me up to this?  Apparently.  We all know this deep down, and yet what stops us?  The “what will people think” monster.  The “what will people think” monster got a stomping today!!

I think my stylist did a fabulous job, and I went bouncing out of that salon feeling like I was a good 20 years younger.

Now if I say to someone “I’m feeling kinda blue today” they might think I have a hair appointment LOL!!  And I might!!  If it sticks around long enough.

Watch out, I just started feeling better yesterday.  What’s next?

I have noticed something since beginning chemotherapy.  Odors, sights, and conversations that I otherwise would have found pleasant or neutral make me nauseous.

This includes:

• foods.
• perfumes.
• detergent/fabric softener smells on clothing.
• certain topics of conversation.  Like food, unpleasant things, etc.
• Certain music, that grates on the nerves, can also set my stomach off.

I guess the only tips I could give people in this regard are the following:

If you are visiting with someone on the day of their chemotherapy, bless your heart.  You are truly an angel to spend time with someone at such a time in their life.  But remember the above, and avoid cologne, perfume. strong smelling hair spray/hair products and fabric softeners, and eat outside of the chemo room or bring a sandwich that does not have a strong odor to it.

And if you are visiting someone after they have undergone chemo, avoid bringing them strong smelling foods, or wearing cologne, perfume, or using strong smelling detergent/fabric softeners on your clothing.

Bring headphones with you if you are going to listen to music.  It may not grate on your friend, but it may grate on the person next to him or her.

My neice brought me homemade chicken soup, in individual frozen containers.  It has low odor, and is bland enough for me to enjoy.  So I can tolerate heating it up for myself, eating it, etc.  Highly recommended.  Of course each person is an individual and this might not work for everyone.  You have to find what works for your loved one, like with everything else in life.

Also avoid “nauseating conversation”.  I can’t define what this means.  It will differ from person to person.  Your friend might otherwise would have laughed at the details of the story, but with a sensitive stomach, things might be otherwise.  So keep the conversation light.  And check in with your friend.  Both watch their facial expression and just ask them if the conversation is getting to them.

If you bring your friend’s dog or pet in for grooming for them, ask for “no perfume” on the pet also.  Remember, your friend’s immune system will be compromised, so taking care of the “poop patrol” for your loved one is another angelic thing to do.

The gestures I appreciate the most are those who let me be what I am at the moment.  Isn’t that what we all want?  But by this I mean, specific to this situation, if I suddenly get up, lay down on the couch, and go to sleep, the person is still there, keeping me company.

Have I left anything out?  Probably.  But there are more blogs to come.

There are two ways to live; you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle. ~ Albert Einstein

And it really is true.

You know that expression that you have a feeling deep down inside, in your bones?  Well, I’m having that kinda feeling but it’s not a “knowingness”.  It’s actually pain in my bones.

I am grateful for this pain.  Why?  Because it is an indication that the medication they gave me (a shot) to nudge my bone marrow to produce neutrophils is working.  I am grateful that this medication exists also.  It is a miracle medication.

I remember my mother, some 20 years ago, suffering from neutropenia (abnormally low neutrophils, a type of white blood cell), which landed her in the hospital.  I would prefer to remain at home, thank you, in the comfort of my bed, with my little princess chihuahua at my side.  Which is a miracle bestowed upon me by LOVE.

I am grateful for the miracle of advances in cancer treatment over the past 20 years since my mother received her treatment.  Of course, I wish she could have benefitted from these advances but I know she’s happy that I am benefitting.

Always look for the miracle in what you are experiencing.  Some people call it the “silver lining”.  Nothing is in vain; everything is for our eventual higher good.  ”THIS”?  You say.  Yes, even this.

I’ve heard of two parties that I know of that are planned once I am through this.  I’m all for that!

Day One of chemo will indelibly be imprinted on my mind.  It was after all, the day after St. Patrick’s Day.  Could an Irish woman ever forget that?

Facing one fears head on is one way of dispelling them.  Burying your head in the sand is a guarantee the fear will continue.

Why would a light worker get cancer, you might ask?  For many reasons, one of which (and not the least of which) is to help others.  After all, that is our mission.  And my particular mission, the mission of Light of Destiny, is to bring more Love, Compassion, and Kindness into this world.

And in the fulfillment of this mission, there are blessings for the light worker.  For me, I am walking through the fire, healing a 20 year wound from the death of my own mother from cancer.  So this is not all for nothing.  My mission for bringing more love, compassion, and kindness into this world is being fulfilled.  Drawing out the love, compassion, and kindness of others, and giving the same to them.

Bringing people together, is another blessing.  I have talked with people I have not spoken with in years.  Not because of any grudge or whatever, just because we all got caught up in life.  Something like this causes you to pause and reflect on what is truly important in life.  And loving and being loved is it.  The other stuff is fluff.  Some of it very necessary fluff, such as paying the bills, but fluff just the same.

I am grateful for this opportunity, which has come unusually dressed.

“..with God all things are possible”.  Matthew 19:26.  ALL things, not just some things.  This means I can come out of this experience unscathed, healthy, and with blessings to share with others.

LOVE

Happy St. Patrick’s Day.  Interesting isn’t it, that the day before I start chemotherapy is St. Patrick’s Day.  And I am Irish!

The other day I shared with you a poem I wrote “The Choice” about holding two spheres in each hand, both of which were unpleasant.   It was a metaphorical poem about making the choice between two unappealing options.

Yesterday, quite by serendipity, I was in a store with a dear friend and came across these spheres.  The cross has special significance for me.  I was drawn to these spheres.  I bought two, one for each hand.  Later I found out you can hold these in meditation.

They are in my bag packed for chemotherapy, and will travel with me.  My burden lifted, I can hold two positive spheres, one in each hand.

Yesterday I went to my family doctor for one final consultation before the chemotherapy is to begin.  I had been reluctant to start the chemotherapy, and I think I had the doctors worried I would make the wrong choice by turning it down.

While I was there, my oncologist called my family doctor.  My husband looked at me with surprise in his eyes and said “Law of Attraction!”

I had resolved my dilemma by deciding to do the thing that is unpleasant now, rather than facing something even more unpleasant in the future, which I spoke of in my last post and put into poetic form in my poem which is in my last post also.  My doctor was glad to hear this.  The fear I had of the chemotherapy was gone.  Instead, I had fear of the consequences of not doing it, which would disappear by doing it.

On the way home, my husband and I stopped for lunch.  I was drawn to go into a store and look around after lunch.  I love hearts, and see them everywhere.  I saw a pendant, with a heart on one side and a cross on the other side.  I thought it was a locket.  But when I opened it up, it was held together magnetically.  There were engravings inside on flat surfaces.

On one side, it said “trust and enjoy” and a heart was engraved next to it.  Fully translated, it says to me, “trust and enjoy LOVE”.  And LOVE is God.

On the other side, it said “everything is exactly as it should be”.

To add to the serendipity of the moment, the pendant was half off.  I intend to wear it to my first chemotherapy session which is coming up soon.

I am overwhelmed by the support I have been receiving from everywhere.  I just got a message that 250 people I don’t even know prayed in unison for me.  Thank you all from the bottom of my heart and LOVE to you all.

I wrote yesterday about the dilemma when you have to choose between two options, neither of which are appealing, and no third option exists.  I resolved this dilemma by looking at the big picture  and seeing which option, although painful, was in the long term the better of the two.  Acting now was the decision.  I like to write poetry, so I tried to capture this dilemma in poetic form and here it is:

The Choice

I held in each hand a sphere.

Each sphere was equally heavy.

They were both unpleasant.

I wanted to drop them both.

But I was only allowed to drop one.

Which one?

One was made of iron.

The other was made of salt.

I dropped the one made of iron from one hand.

Then I put my other hand in mildly hot water.

My burden was lifted completely.

I just had to tolerate some hot water for a time.

~Kathie Thaw

If you are in such a dilemma, know I have the deepest of empathy for you.  Fear will paralyze you; if you are paralyzed by fear or indecision, seek help from experts, friends, clergy, everyone that you have in your support system.  Now is the time to let people help; they are willing and want to help.  Be persistent; you are certainly worth it.

The best to you.

When you have a choice between two things both of which you don’t want, and you don’t have a third option, this is called an avoid-avoid conflict.

I am faced with such a conflict.  Do chemotherapy now, or take a risk of future recurrence of the cancer and it won’t be so amenable to treatment at that time.    In other words, my days would then be very numbered.  And very unpleasant.  And spent on chemotherapy.

What makes this difficult is the fact that I feel pretty good right now, so it’s easy to go into denial and just bury my head in the sand and think I’ll feel this way forever.

Obviously both of these choices are unappealing.  I found a you tube video about such a conflict that was actually helpful in taking my head out of the sand.  It doesn’t speak directly about cancer treatment, but it does talk about having a situation in which both options are unappealing.  The man in the video uses another word other than “unappealing”, but it means the same thing.  Specifically, the video addresses not taking unpleasant action now and having very unappealing (and worse) consequences in the future.

If you find yourself in an avoid avoid conflict, make sure you get all the information you can from all the experts you can.  That is what I did.  Then you can make a decision from a position of knowledge.

I also listened to my own intuition.

The best to you.

When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold.  They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful. ~Barbara Bloom

I am going through the greatest health challenge of my life, and I am imagining that the “cracks” are being filled with gold. That what I am going through will somehow fulfill my mission of bringing more Love, Compassion, and Kindness into this world.  This is beauty.

Light of Destiny’s mission statement is to bring more Love, Compassion, and Kindness into this world.  That IS my mission statement. There is a purpose and a reason for everything, and even if I don’t know what it is right now, I know it is for my highest good and that is all I need to know right now – otherwise I would know more.

Miracles are happening.  A very lethal cancer that claims the lives of many women every year because of its silent nature was discovered at an early stage because a second and different cancer caused a symptom that brought immediate attention – and the more lethal cancer was found as a result.  This is not a coincidence.  I believe that LOVE itself reached down and touched me.  I am grateful for this miracle.

I really like this quote, that one can imagine oneself becoming more beautiful because of the challenges, and brokenness in life.  Who knows what lives will be touched in a positive way because of this?  Even my very own life can be transformed.  I am going to places I would not normally go, and meeting people whom I would not otherwise meet, because of this health challenge.

The prayers, support, and kindness of friends, family, and even strangers is appreciated.

Love to you all,

Kathie

I was thinking about flowers today.  My mother had a saying:

“Don’t put flowers on my grave; give them to me while I’m alive”.

She said that often enough as I was growing up (don’t know why, maybe she just felt strongly about it).  Maybe she wanted to be given flowers and wasn’t very often.  I can’t remember, come to think of it, a single time that my mother received flowers from a florist.  We had lots of plastic flowers around the house, though.

There is something about flowers from a florist, that are arranged so nicely, and have the bow and all, and smell so good, with a card and a nice vase, that is so very nice.

I remembered this, and when I got older and was working, I sent her the plant of the month for one year.  I put her home address as the address, and she changed the address to her office address.  She, and everyone in the office were so excited when her plant arrived every month.  I was so happy to be able to grant a wish for her like that.

I didn’t know at the time, it was to be the last year of her life.  She was diagnosed with cancer at the end of that year, and didn’t survive long after diagnosis, as it was so advanced by the time they found the cancer.

I took care of her from her diagnosis until her death, in my home, and one day, I decided to order a dozen long stem red roses from the florist, in the white box with a red bow on it.  I was driving her home from a doctor’s appointment and parked next to a van so she wouldn’t see where I was going.  I said “I’ll be right back”.  I picked up the roses I had ordered earlier, and then handed them to her as she sat in the car, and asked her to hold them.  She did, but she didn’t realize what was in her hands.  She had never received long stem red roses before.

When we got home, I took the box from her and we went inside.  She sat down and I gave her the box again.  She looked at me with puzzlement.  I said “open it, it’s for you”.  The look on her face was priceless when she saw the roses.  We put them in a vase.   I caught her just staring at them and smelling them, from time to time.

I guess there are a couple of lessons in this story.  One, live so that you have no regrets.  If you know a loved one really wants something, if it’s within your power to do it, even if you think it’s stupid, get it for them.  Maybe you think flowers are a waste of money.  But they are not, if they bring happiness to your loved one.  It’s a way of expressing love.

The second one is, don’t expect that you have all the time in the world, no matter what your age or the age of your loved one.  When I ordered the plant of the month I had no idea at the end of that year, my mother would enter into the final months of her life.  I could have easily missed that opportunity if I had waited just a year.  Things can come upon us suddenly and unexpectedly in life.

I have no regrets.  I gave her flowers, while she was alive.  From time to time, I visit her grave, and put flowers anyway, with a wink.

I did some research, and I found a very old song on youtube, sung by Flatt & Scruggs, that might have inspired my mother’s saying.  I don’t know if she ever heard the song or not, but it was from the 40′s or so, around the time she was a young woman.  The song is very touching.    The very last lyric is “if you can’t give me flowers while I’m living, then please don’t throw them when I’m gone”.    My mother has been gone 20 years, and hearing this song has been healing for me in a way.  I did give her flowers while she was living; so I can give them to her now that she’s gone.  The song is talking about how hypocritical it is to be insensitive and mean to someone while they are living, and then put flowers in their hand when they are in the casket.  I guess this is the third lesson from this story.  Listen to this song.

This is a wonderful interview with the author of “Healing Conversations” that is worth watching to the very end.  If you have a friend or loved one, or work colleague going through a difficult time, this video and the author’s book are very helpful resources.

I  have stated, to more than one person, that my mission statement is to bring more love, compassion, and kindness into this world.  This IS my mission statement.  That is what this post is all about.

There is something that is on my mind that I wish to discuss today, and that is the mantra that seems to be circulating of “eliminating negative people from your life who drag you down”.

This, on the surface, is good advice.  Eliminating or avoiding the drama queens, who bring nothing but drama about every little thing and ruin every occasion, might be a good idea.  But that is not what I am talking about here.

I am hoping that we don’t take this too far, and eliminate or avoid friends and loved ones who are suffering with legitimate illness and legitimate crisis, because they might be categorized as “dragging you down”.   This is the time to be a friend, this is the time to show compassion, love, and kindness.  This is the time your friend or loved one needs you more than ever.

People tend to remember those who have been kind, loving, and compassionate to them during these times.  Sure, it may be uncomfortable to be around someone who is not able to be exceedingly cheerful at the moment.  But it is possible for you to maintain your center and not get dragged down while being loving, kind, and compassionate to those who are suffering.  A Coach or a Therapist can help you with this.

It’s easy to hang around only with the cheerful people.  There’s no challenge or growth in that.

Here is a helpful article that may shed some light on this topic, from the viewpoint of cancer.  It can really apply to a wide variety of situations:

Supporting a friend who has cancer

Here is a book that might help you if you don’t know what to say to a suffering loved one/friend:

Healing Conversations : what to say when you don’t know what to say by Nance Guilmartin

Here is a book that might help with conversations with Elders and the dying:

Healing Conversations now : enhance relationships with elders and dying loved ones by Joan Chadbourne and Tony Silbert

I came up with my own message, in the hopes to bring some light to this subject.